It Began Early On

All the way back to either Kindergarten or first grade I felt off. Like I was never the "right" one. Like I did NOT fit in. It felt to me like I was NEVER chosen by the teacher when questions were asked.

You could see the straining on my face, I sat as high as I could, my arm raised so far it almost went numb, yet I was never picked to answer a question. Or so it seemed.

Or if i was picked... I answered incorrectly. So disappointed in myself.

An excellent example is when I was in class and we were sitting in what is like circle time now. My teacher was holding something up asking questions and I was so eager, reaching so high with my hand. I just KNEW the RIGHT answer this time...But, yet again, I was not selected.

In my incomprehensible disillusionment I brought my arm and hand down with such force I stabbed my pencil into my other open palm and broke the tip off in my hand. OUCH!

This frustrated the teacher to NO end (who clearly I annoyed with my eagerness on a regular basis anyway) because she had to stop the class and administer first aid to the disruptive child (me).

I look back as I am writing this and wonder if she wasn't just a bitch who squelched my enthusiasm because she was angry or unhappy herself and just couldn't stand my delight and eagerness. Maybe she was overworked, underpaid or beat by her husband.

Or was I born with the incorrect chemicals and connections in my brain that made me feel like I wasn't picked enough, made me feel like I was wrong from the beginning?

...I still have that piece of lead in my palm to this day.